Warped Theological Explanations for Singleness

In 2006, when I was newly divorced, a friend forwarded to me an article, presumably a blog post, by someone named Paige Benton. I came across it today when I was going through my “flagged” emails. I re-read it, loved it just as much this time around, and am re-posting an excerpt from it here because I couldn’t have said it better myself. She wrote:

“Warped theology is at the heart of attempts to “explain” singleness:

* “As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone
special into your life”–as though God’s blessings are ever earned by
our contentment.

* “You’re too picky”–as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims
and needs broader parameters in which to work.

* “As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s
work”–as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of
which marriage must be no part.

* “Before you can marry someone wonderful the Lord has to make you
someone wonderful”–as though God grants marriage as a second blessing
to the satisfactorily sanctified.

Accepting singleness, whether temporary or permanent, does not hinge
on speculation about answers God has not given to our list of whys,
but rather on celebration of the life he has given. I am not single
because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband,
nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am
single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his
best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be
better for me right now than being single.”

Thank-you, amen, and a standing O!

Single Adults in the Church, Part 4: Forgiveness

This week our workbook led us into a discussion about bitterness and unforgiveness. Like every other topic we are covering, this one is not unique to unmarried people. It is, however, problematic for single people in ways that don’t apply to those who are married. Widows and widowers may struggle to forgive God for taking their spouse, or in an irrational kind of way, be angry with the spouse for dying and abandoning them, perhaps recasting them in the role of single parent, a responsibility they feel ill-prepared to embrace. Never-married people may wrestle with forgiving God or an ex-fiancée, holding either or both responsible for spoiling their dream of being married. Divorced people probably struggle to forgive more than other singles, because divorce is almost by definition is such a hurtful, messy, wounding ordeal.

I worked all the way through the workbook lesson, arriving at the end feeling thankful that after many years, I had finally forgiven the people who wounded and wronged me in the horrid experience of divorce. I truly was not harboring any conscious resentment or bitterness and I reflected on this happily as I wrote in the workbook spaces provided. Early on the day of the class, I reviewed the lesson a second time, and again came away feeling that I was “there.” I felt good. Peaceful.

Then, after putting the workbook into my backpack, as I began getting ready for work, it was as though God tapped me on the shoulder and said, “What about (this person)?” Oh. Right. That person. Well, okay, yes, I admit it: I have not fully forgiven her. And then a second person came to mind. Both people were part of a hurtful scenario that was now replaying in my memory. These were people I trusted. Helping professionals, actually, that I should have been able to trust. But they only deepened my wounds and made things worse. It had all happened years ago, but I was facing the fact that I not yet wiped the slate completely clean. I knew, and I do know, that if I am ever to be totally, truly free, I have to forgive them both. I have to let it all go.

The revelation of this surprised me. But I had to agree with God and humbly re-engage in the process of forgiveness. An important point in the lesson was now amplified for me: forgiveness is a process. We humans can’t forgive instantly as God does. The greater the offense, the more difficult it is for us to cast it “as far as the east is from the west,” the way God forgives us. Forgiving a big offense take time because simply remembering it causes our emotions to kick back in. We experience it all over again, ripping the scabs off the wounds, making us bristle at the injustice of it all. Hurtful words and unkind deeds scream out, demanding revenge. But God does not allow His children to behave that way. He wants us to let it go. We are under orders to hand over to Him our wish to pay back, and then to allow the balm of His Spirit and Christ’s own example to heal our hearts. He instructs us to forgive for our own good—because He doesn’t want our hearts to grow cold and fill up with the soul-killing pus of bitterness.

Bottom line, the mandate to forgive is our God-ordained rescue. It rescues us from becoming prisoners of our own resentment, locked out of the abundant life we are supposed to enjoy. True, the process of forgiving can be arduous; it may take us back to God again and again and again for help in laying it all down. That’s okay; it’s all good. Because walking the long road to forgiveness also changes us in the most beautiful, wonderful way—it makes us more like Jesus. When we accept His power to let it go, and do it, we are never more like Him than in that moment.

Single Adults in the Church, Part Three: Meeting God in the Abyss of Grief

Grief is not unique to single adults. Grief is a part of life for everyone. Even little children are not shielded from it for long. Most of us can recall burying (flushing?) a deceased pet goldfish or putting a cute little hamster into a shoebox coffin. Many people lose their grandparents when they are young, or grieve the moving away from friends when a parent takes a job in a new town. Little griefs are disappointing; big griefs are life-altering.

Only those who are single by choice are spared the “big grief” of journeying through life without a partner. For the never-married who long to be paired, an undercurrent of grief always shadows the hope that their soul mate is still “out there.” Widows and widowers not only grieve the death of their spouse, but also the death of dreams and daily life as they have known it. The grief of divorce is similar, except that it is the death of a marriage and not a person. Many divorced people say divorce is worse than death because there is no closure. That is, the spouse still lives on, and there is no socially sanctioned ceremony where friends and family circle around to help one say good-bye to the dead marriage. Even when a marriage has been horrid, and divorce brings relief, there is still grief for what could have been; indeed for what should have been.

And so, most single adults are acquainted with grief. In the small group of single women that is meeting weekly at my church, we talked about it in our most recent meeting.

We considered the odd phrasing of Matthew 5:4, which says, “ Blessed are they that mourn…(KJV).” What? How does the word blessed belong in the same sentence with the word mourn? My sense of it is that grief increases our capacity to receive blessing from God. Ironic, oh yes. A “big” grief, like divorce or the death of one’s mate, calls forth an intense emotional pain that doesn’t ever well up in a person who is not grieving, for there is no such abyss in their heart. Abyss is exactly the right word. Merriam Webster defines it as “a hole so deep or a space so great that it cannot be measured.” Abyss describes real, unspeakable grief. If you have truly grieved you know this place, this bottomless “hole so deep.”

The blessing, the great irony of grief, is that the abyss it creates—the “space so great that it cannot be measured”—is the very space God refills with His comfort. Thus, the deeper the grief, the deeper the space it carves out for God’s comfort. Those who have truly grieved ARE blessed because they can know God in a deeper, more experiential way that those who have never deeply grieved.

Meditate on the astonishing Amplified wording of Matthew 5:4.

 Blessed and enviably happy [with a happiness produced by the experience of God’s favor and especially conditioned by the revelation of His matchless grace] are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted!

The grief comes first, clawing a deep cavern into the flesh of the soul. And then, for those who invite God into this dark space–crazy true–the balm of His magnificent comfort is poured out to fill the abyss dug by grief. And as the “big grief” that caused us to be single slowly soaks up its comfort from God, we are empowered to walk on through life, as long as God wills, as whole, healed, unmarried daughters and sons of God.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).”

Single Adults in the Church, Part Two: Rejection

There is probably not a person on earth who has not experienced rejection. And if we are honest, most of us would have to admit to also dishing out rejection to another person in some form, at some time. The experience of rejection goes with the territory of being a fallen human living in the midst of other equally fallen humans. Even Jesus experienced rejection when He walked this earth in human form. Isaiah 53:3 attests, “He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care (NLT).”

Because Jesus experienced the pain of rejection, He totally understands how we feel when we are rejected by others. There’s a lot of comfort in this because many single Christians will tell you that they have experienced rejection, not only from society, but also from their families and within the Church, simply because they are single.

Some “categories” of singles are more likely to experience rejection than others. People who have been divorced may be the most suspect, held at arm’s length as people speculate, “What did she or he do to cause this?” It’s almost as if there is a worry that whatever “it” is, it may be contagious and liable to infect the marriages of others. Best to stand back a bit, just in case! People who have never married are also often similarly analyzed by the married folk (“What is so wrong with her that she was never chosen?” Or, “Maybe he is gay.”) Widows, the category of singleness specifically designated for ministry by the Church, are least likely to be rejected. It’s clear to all that they are single and their children are fatherless through no possible fault of their own. It’s easy to apply James 1:27 to them: “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress…”

The thing is, there is more stigma, and no less “distress,” no less emotional pain, and no less need for acceptance when one is single because of divorce or having never married. It seems to me that in our day, the appropriate application of James 1:27 would be to compassionately lavish upon all who are single, for any reason, the very same measure of acceptance, love, and care.

Single Adults in the Church: The Surprising Statistics

For the next 13 weeks or so I am going to narrow the focus of the Jazzywalk blog to the theme of single adults. Specifically single adults in the Church, with a targeted focus on single women. This is on the front burner for me because I am co-facilitating a small group study for single women at my church right now. Here’s why:

Most churches in 2014 are enthusiastically ministering to younger singles, that is, people who are in the stage of life when society expects people to be single—the high school, college, and early career years. Ministry to older single adults, however, is no longer in vogue in most churches. I’m talking about the lack of enthusiastic, targeted ministry to those who are divorced, widowed, or in their 40’s and beyond who have never married. So…a few of us are stirring the pot and calling attention to the need.  It is a pretty big need, too. So big, in fact, that I’m convinced that if we, the Church, don’t pay attention we are going to miss the huge, important turn in ministry focus that society’s GPS is crying out for us to take.

The statistics, both nationally and in my locale, are a bit surprising. According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

• Currently, 44.1% of all Americans over age 18 are single. That’s 103 million people.
• Of the 103 million:
  • 53.6% are women and 46.4% are men
  • 62% have never been married
  • 24% are divorced
  • 14% are widowed
• There are 87 single men for every 100 single women.

In Forsyth County, North Carolina, where I live:

• Of the 337,198 county residents, 53% are women
• Of the 53% who are female, 46% are married and 54% are single
• The 54% breaks down like this:
  • 29% have never been married
  • 10% are widowed
  • 15% are divorced or separated

The national divorce rate is still hovering around 50%, and people are choosing to marry later in life. This means that there are more single adults in our midst—and in our pews—than ever before.

So here’s the takeaway I see for the Church, perhaps most succinctly stated in the workbook we are using for our small group study: “By the end of the twenty-first century, it is projected that singles will make up the majority of the adult population. The Census Bureau projects that every man and woman alive today can expect to live more years single than married.” (Facilitator’s Guide: The Single Christian, by Dr. Elizabeth Holland, Turning Point Ministries, 2005; p.5.)

Beyond that, consider one more statistic: after the age of 65, 59% of the population in my county is female. Because women tend to live longer than men, my guess is that this is true in most cities across the nation. Thus, as the Baby Boomer generation ages, ministry to older adults will become more and more a ministry to single women.

And so, Church, how should we respond?